An Experiment

The words “I have to” and “next” form the structure of the playlist in my head each day. All day long I’m thinking about the next thing on the list, how long it will take, and if I have time.

I decided to try an experiment. Whenever I catch myself saying I NEED to do something, I pause and decide if that statement is true. It sounded easy enough, but I didn’t realize how often I was saying things like “have to” and “need to.”

It turned into an unexpected exercise in self-awareness. I realized that I was engaging in a pattern of thinking that seemed to be proactive on the surface but was actually causing more anxiety.

I tried to be mindful of the words I was using with myself. As it turns out, I was not very gracious to myself at all. I was pushing guilt instead of allowing myself to progress through the day. Instead of being in the moment of what I was doing, I was preoccupied with all the other things I needed to do.

Realizing a pattern of thinking is the first part and difficult in its own right, but seeking to disrupt it is a whole different animal. And through trying to disrupt this destructive behavior, I identified some entrenched behaviors: avoidance, procrastination, rationalization, and guilt.

I began to peel back layers and expose my thinking for what it was, toxic. So while I’m no closer to being as “productive” as I think I should be, and I am still really hard on myself when I’m feeling less than my best, it’s a step. The experiment prompted me to pause and try to reframe. That’s what I’m going to try to stick with for the immediate future.

What if recognizing these moments is a small victory in itself?